Monday, July 25, 2011

Aliens Abducted My Waist

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It happened somewhere between 11:00pm and 5:00am. I went to sleep with a flat tummy and poof! I arose with a marshmallowy middle. Prof X’s first response was to poke my belly button to see if I giggled like the Pillsbury dough boy.

I didn’t.

He tried to lighten my mood with reassurances.
WARNING: I like squeezing your cushy parts is NOT a comfort to a woman whose body has unexpectedly metamorphosized into something other than a supermodel.

How the hell did this happen?

I eat right.
Mostly.
Ok, pizza, buffalo chicken sandwiches and French fries might appear more often than not in my diet but otherwise I avoid dairy products, fried and other high fat foods.

Exercise?
Most days I’m on the go from the time I roll out of bed until I roll back into it. I’ve little time for an exercise routine. A body in constant motion burns calories, right? And, now that I think about it, sometimes I run in my sleep. That should count for something.

Age?
Don’t even mention it. I’ll pull a Ralph Kramden with a Pow! Right in the kisser.

Without a foreseeable cause, I’m forced to conclude that the sudden deconditioning of my middle is the direct result of …<looks over shoulder and whispers> …a body snatcher. You know what that means, don’t you? 

Aliens are among us.
I’ve watched the X-Files. I know such things are true.

Hollywood has been blatantly exposing the mechanisms of this alien subterfuge since the 1950s with cinematic features such as Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Puppet Masters. Even now, the warnings are clear.

1. Aliens are zombie-izing our children. (Ask Noah Wylie. He deals with this problem weekly on Falling Skies.)


2. Aliens are snatching the waistlines of maturing women and replacing them with fluff. (It happened to me. It could happen to you.)

Ladies, it’s imperative that you protect yourselves from this type of attack. Guard your middles! These aliens are ninja-trained, slipping past even the ever observant Monster Puppy who instantly alerts when something is amiss. They are shadows that lie in wait, waiting to pounce when you are most vulnerable.

Be diligent. Once these perilous invaders disappear with your flat tummy, you’re forever altered.

But, you don’t have to be defeated. I’ve discovered a new Yoga instructor who promises to help women, just like me, who’ve had their waists stolen.


 


Have you experienced an alien abduction of the waist? Have you overcome or succumb to the alien fluff? How has this encounter impacted your life? You are not alone!

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7 comments:

Lesann Berry said...

Oh no. I can't afford any more tummy fluff...thanks for the warning. Now I want a kitten.

Shelly said...

Actually, I'd like to know if they took off with my energy. I want it back.

sheamacleod said...

I was BORN with alien fluff. Which probably explains a lot...

JEFritz said...

Eeeeeeeeeee!

Sorry, that was my reaction to the kitten. I can't help it, even when typing.

So it's aliens who are responsible for stealing our waistlines, huh? Fiends! Mine is still there, sort of. Maybe I can stop them before they take it all!

Cheryel Hutton said...

Aliens, huh? they took my whole dang body. Evil varmints! Oh, the video was awesome. I want a kitten too. Don't think my hubby, or my dogs, or my landlord would like that. Oh well.

And my word verification starts with cat. Do you believe it?!

Naomi Bulger said...

They got me too! About 18 months ago (exactly the time I moved back from NYC, hmm), alien attack appeared on the waists of yours truly, Mr B, the dog AND the cat. We all sit here at night nursing pudgy bellies that used to be svelte.

Diana Murdock said...

I hate it when that happens! LOL!

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